The world as we know it

Survive or die

The few close friends i confided in ask me how did i get through it.. My answer is this – a few years ago I went skydiving. Tandem. As I looked out of the open door of the plane whilst we were 5km up in the sky, ready to jump – there was nothing below me but ground & a long way down. I had been really cool up to this point, but now nup, I did not feel safe. Before I could say stop, my instructor had rolled forward & we were out, into the sky. This is how many father’s actions had affected me – as we were hurtling at 250m per second towards solid earth my first thought was Dad, you can’t get me here‘. this was the first place in my life i had ever felt safe from him, plunging like an asteroid. That is how much it affects you. The child in you never feels safe. You are hyper vigilant, I used to walk into a room & have to know what everyone is thinking just to be ok.

After years of counselling & love & support, I was able to board a bus or train & not feel compelled to sit in the back seat for safety. I was able to be the focus in groups or crowds, I was able to go to meetings. As a young man sex was almost impossible, the thought of ii or if I was being propositioned (by either sex) put me into shock. I would shake uncontrollably, sweat & shiver no matter how hot the day. I would feel nausea & diarreagh & dizzy all at once. I was a mess. This is what many survivors have to live with, some worse, some lose the fight to live, many die. Whilst our politicians hold dead end inquiry after dead end inquiry only the bravest end up in court.

Sexual abuse isn’t always brutal, mine was. For those where it wasn’t often they blame themselves if in any way they enjoyed it. Mine was clearly & totally excruciatingly painful as well as life threatening. My father held a knife held at my throat threatening to kill me should I ever speak about it. In later years the few times I confronted him on what he did to mum he put his face right in mine & screamed at me threateningly & repeatedly that I was a liar and making it up, screaming that i was insane and he kept going until he broke me. There was no middle ground.

As difficult as it was, I resolved that love is greater than fear & in this life I wanted to know the greater love. I faced my fears again & again & again. and as i did so I went into shock again & again & again, shaking, shivering, nausea etc. but with time it got better, and we are talking decades, but it has been worth it. There is much love to be found if we look hard enough for it and we ask our god, the universe to open our eyes to see it.

Filed under: Governance

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  1. […] Survive or die | T W A W K I. […]

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We fight not to enslave, but to set a country free, and to make room upon the earth for honest men to live in. Thomas Paine

Above all, we must realize that no arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. RONALD REAGAN,
My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular. Adlai E. Stevenson Jr
If you want to be free, there is but one way; it is to guarantee an equally full measure of liberty to all your neighbors. There is no other. Carl Schurz
The First Amendment is often inconvenient. But that is besides the point. Inconvenience does not absolve the government of its obligation to tolerate speech. Justice Anthony Kennedy
Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being one’s own person is its ultimate reward. Patricia Sampson
Many politicians are in the habit of laying it down as a self-evident proposition that no people ought to be free till they are fit to use their freedom. The maxim is worthy of the fool in the old story who resolved not to go into the water till he had learned to swim. Thomas Macaulay
The law will never make men free, it is men that have to make the law free. Henry David Thoreau
If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter. George Washington

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